Brad Pitt’s Awesome Penis Enlargement Pills… Buy Yours Today!
Posted in Corey Colvin, Feature Articles, Guest Columns, Humor
Editorial Humor by Corey Colvin
If you ask me, I think that today’s Hollywood celebrities are missing out on some enormous financial opportunities. Sure, mega-stars like Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks already earn millions of dollars for the box office gold they deliver to the movie studios. But if these actors were smart, and if they had a REALLY good sense of humor, they could easily double their yearly income. They could bring home 40 million instead of 20 million!
Let’s say, for instance, one of these name celebrities was to become “personally involved” in the booming online penis enlargement industry. Laugh all you want, these companies make HUGE dollars selling herbal pills, natural growth exercises and male enhancement devices. These businesses remain successful because they cater to the vanities and insecurities of normal fellas like you and me (not that I’m confessing to any physical shortcomings, mind you!).
So just imagine if an A-list hotshot celebrity like Brad Pitt were to lend his name to one of these products. What if you turned on the television late one night and saw a 30-minute infomercial featuring “pretty boy” Brad hocking his own brand of penis enlargement pills?
“Hi guys. I’m Brad Pitt. You probably know me from films like ‘Fight Club’ and “Inglourious Basterds’. But I’m here now to speak to you…man to man… about an exciting and innovative new product! Yes friends, I’m talking about my own brand of herbal male enhancement supplements… ‘Brad Pitt’s Insta-Pecker’ Pills! These miraculous and medically-approved pills will transform the tiny “Benjamin Button” in your pants into an astounding Oceans 11, 12.. even 13 inches!! Call the number on the screen and order right now!! You’ll be glad you did. Angelina sure is!!”
Okay, so Brad might lose a little credibility in Hollywood. Or maybe not. In fact, he might just start a whole new celebrity trend. We might soon witness some of Tinseltown’s biggest power-players popping up everywhere pitching their own personalized products and gadgets to the American masses. Just imagine it!
“This is Jack here saying if you’ve got a major roach problem, you need ‘Jack Nicholson’s Big Bad Bug Buster”. Only $11.95! What’s that? You can’t HANDLE a dead roach?!”
“Yo wassup, I’m Will Smith and I’m here to tell you about my super-deluxe ‘I Am Legend’ Lime Squeezer! No seeds! No pulp! No problems!! The ‘pursuit of happyness’ is just a squeeeeeze away! Jayda, get out here and show these folks how this thing operates!”
“Bruce Willis here! I want you to purchase my new and improved Die-Hard Earwax Removal System! Yippie ki yay motherf***!! Now let’s get the wax out!!”
We are a society driven by celebrity worship. To borrow a line from “Field of Dreams”… “If you promote it, they will buy.” And we- the sheep, the gullible masses- we DO buy. I mean, think about it. How many of you own a George Foreman grill? Hell, I’ve got three of them!
I know this is all ridiculous fantasy because no superstar in his or her right mind would stoop to such low levels for a quick buck (except perhaps Mel Gibson, who no doubt needs the work right now). But if you ask me, why not DO it?
Take a chance, Brad Pitt, even if you think it’s just an innocuous little goof. You’d probably be hailed as a celebrity genius… perpetrator of the biggest social satire on American consumerism in history! And not only that, you’d easily put another 20 million in your bank account.
If it helps you sleep better at night, just donate all the profits to charity. Or better yet, share the wealth with me. After all, it was MY idea!
Sources:
http://www.penisenlargementmagazine.com/brad-pitt-penis-enlargement-pills/?sms_ss=tumblr
Corey Colvin is a journalist, humorist and satirist who writes freelance articles for numerous magazines, papers, websites and publications. His tongue-in-cheek musings on Internet marketing are a particular specialty of his, such as this commentary that was written as a satirical piece specifically for Penis Enlargement Magazine. Corey lives in Burbank, California, and does occasional standup in the Los Angeles area. He can also be seen from time to time in various film and television roles.
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